what goes around comes around!

Sam Elias
[email protected]

A little less than a year after our breakup, I learn he has decided to get married and start his so called normal life (definition of normal life according to him: a married life with a good house wife who will cook, clean and make babies essentially). I was disturbed at that once again but do not allow it to bother me for too long. He does this merely to prove he has left his past behind and wants nothing to do with me in his present or future (We were in touch and sometimes had arguments over our breakup essentially blaming each other for the situations that arose that day). Still angry about the events of that winter night in the month of February of the previous year and the following months that came, he chose not to inform me of this decision in his life himself (in spite of my request) instead asks an acquaintance to send me an informal invitation merely to indicate that I make no contact with him whatsoever, or at least that is how I interpret it. As a well wisher, the most I could do was congratulate him via email. I could have sent him a card but I chose not to for unknown reasons. That was the last of him in my life. I decide to accept the fact that he has moved on and now it was time for me to. I have since tried to keep him in good memories and erase the bad and am still trying. I still love him. I still desire to listen to his voice. I still wonder how he is doing and wonder what could have happened if we did share our lives. My eyes still search him in crowds hoping to find him. Sometimes, I also imagine various possibilities or the results of his rage, hostility and the actions that will follow perhaps.

Deep in thoughtsï¿½

A few years will have passed by from now, the present. I will not have settled as yet, the reason I am not aware of or just prefer to run away from perhaps. At that point, I donï¿½t believe I love him as much as I used to a few years back or even as much I thought I would then. He will completely be aware of me and my life without my knowledge of it.

And one day, my phone will flash an ï¿½unknown numberï¿½. I will answer it just like I would any other ï¿½unknown numberï¿½ calls to my phone. I will answer ï¿½This is Sam.ï¿½ There will be silence on the other end. ï¿½Hello?ï¿½ A faint male voice will then reply ï¿½Sam!!??ï¿½ I will try to recognize the voice but in vain. Politely, I will ask ï¿½Yes, this is Sam and you are?ï¿½ Silence will dawn again for a few secondsï¿½
ï¿½Itï¿½s me, *****ï¿½ He will have taken me by shock. ï¿½Pardon meï¿½, I will answer confused. He will repeat ï¿½Itï¿½s me, *****ï¿½

I will not recognize his voice or even be unable to recall what his voice sounded like years back. I guess our brain cells tend to store peopleï¿½s voices just like music in various notes and pitches. Voices we listen to everyday, we recognize just like the familiar music to our ears and the rest is stored somewhere in the back of our mind locked away in some closet of the mind where it has layers of dust depending on the time it has been kept there to be forgotten, eventually erased. When a long lost voice or music is heard again, the brain cells tend to look in the back of the mind to help us recognize it. My brain cells refused to even do that. I absolutely failed to remember his voice. I only recognized his name.
ï¿½Is this a bad time? Should I call back later?ï¿½
I will reply ï¿½No, no, you just surprised me. I didnï¿½t think you would ever call me or that I would ever talk to you again. Just trying to digestï¿½ He will say with calm ï¿½I think I knew I would call you somedayï¿½

I will try my best not to show my astonishment and try and keep a casual air about my voice. Our conversation will commenceï¿½ I volunteer to take chargeï¿½
ï¿½So how have you been? You are a married man now! Oops! Congratulations on your wedding. Whereï¿½s my invitation?ï¿½
ï¿½Would you have come? If I invited you?ï¿½
ï¿½Iï¿½m not sure but you could have sent me an invitation and maybe then I would have a chance to consider it. After all, it was your wedding.ï¿½
ï¿½Are you being sarcastic?ï¿½
ï¿½Absolutely not, why should I be sarcastic? Donï¿½t you think both of us should have grown out of it now?ï¿½ This will follow by moments of silence or awkwardness perhaps. During these moments I will wonder what he will be thinking right at that moment or what I is to be said following the silence. There were so many moments we spent in silence over the phone in the past. They were very pleasant. It was as though we communicated well through silence in certain circumstances. But this silence will be different and very uncomfortable. We both will want to end it.
ï¿½How does it feel to be married?ï¿½ I will break the silence.
ï¿½Why donï¿½t you get married? Get married and you will know.ï¿½
ï¿½You know me, my life is so uncertain. I remember, you always said that. Indeed, it has been so. I do what I please when I please. I am not bound by any element of this world. (Now I will be a little sarcastic) I enjoy freedom to its zenith. I guess I got lost somewhere with the joy of being free and didnï¿½t find the time to get married as yet. But I am still young enough to get married. So itï¿½s still not too late. I will definitely consider it. Anyways, letï¿½s forget about me and talk about you. When do I get to meet Mrs. *****? Jante eiche kore she amar cheye shundor kina, amar cheye bhalo kina, tomar kotha shune kina, tomar mom er pochondo ta kemon, tomar khayyal rakhe kina, tumi jemon bou chaite, thik temon kina.ï¿½
He will say ï¿½Khota diccho?ï¿½
ï¿½Bah! Khota dibo keno? I would really love to meet her. Honestly! Tumi to amar purono kaaler bondhu, misunderstanding hoyechilo, du jon rege chilam, ei ekhon eto bochor por tomar raag komlo, catch up korte hobe na bolo? Tomar bou ke amar bari anbe, unake to bolar dorkar nei amader history chilo. Amader kotha shudhu amader e thakbe. Ami tai chai. Bolo ei baar kobe ascho bou ke niye?ï¿½
ï¿½Samï¿½ he will say, following a long pause, ï¿½I want to see you.ï¿½ His voice will be firm and emotionless. ï¿½If possible now or as soon as tomorrowï¿½ The background noises were that of an airport. Perturbed, I will say ï¿½Z, where are you?ï¿½
ï¿½New Jerseyï¿½
ï¿½Where, in New Jersey?ï¿½
ï¿½Close to your houseï¿½
ï¿½How do you know where my house is?ï¿½
ï¿½I know everything about you.ï¿½ I will be supposed to be happy at this answer but I will not as his voice will indicate something is gravely wrong.
ï¿½Do you want to come over and we can order in? I havenï¿½t had dinner yet. Have you?ï¿½
He will laugh lightly ï¿½Hahaï¿½ and say ï¿½You still donï¿½t cook?ï¿½
ï¿½Never needed to. So coming over then?ï¿½
ï¿½Sureï¿½
ï¿½Dinner?ï¿½
ï¿½Sureï¿½
ï¿½Address? Directions?ï¿½
ï¿½Have it!! GPS!!!ï¿½
ï¿½Rightï¿½ I will smile and hang up disturbed. I will stare at the cell phone screen till the back light turns off distracting my line of thoughts (essentially a confusion if what just happened was real or not) for the few seconds after the call.

Then, after a while (I donï¿½t know exactly how long) there will be a knock on my door. I will still be wondering if he really is going to be standing in front of me when I open the door. Pulling myself up together, I will walk towards my front door, frightened. There will be numerous thoughts in my mind. These thoughts will have no order in which they will flood my brain. All random thoughts such as I should have cleaned last weekend, or I didnï¿½t notice the layer of dust that can gather within a period of time if not dusted, or is my house presentable and tidy enough, or do I look presentable, or have I lost or gained weight over the years, or how does he look now, or is he really at the front door, or why is he at the front door if he is, or is he really married, or what am I going to tell mom, or should I even tell mom he is here to see me after all these years and after what he has done to me, or it hasnï¿½t been that long either has it, or was it right for me to ask him to come over, or other distorted thoughts that will make no sense to me at all. Some inexplicable form of fear and discomfort will capture me that I will try my best to fight but will fail in the span of time from wherever I will be till I reach for the door knob.

I will finally reach my front door and take a deep breath. I will turn the knob very slowly still trying to believe who will actually be standing on the other side of the door. I could just look into the eye hole to confirm it will be him but for some reason that thought will not occur to me.

I will open the door, nervous. My heart will be beating very fast. And then I will see him. He will be standing right in front of me. He will look like he looked 3 years ago. There will have been very little changes. His age will be more visible. He will look more mature and more like a married man or so I will think. He might just get a little darker over the years, maybe put on some weight or not. He still will be handsome. His height and broad shoulders will be intact.

He will force a smile as soon as he sees me, a guilt filled faint smile. We will stand just like that for a few minutes, trying to catch up on the physical changes that will have been bought upon us due to age and time. I will snap out of the shock and say ï¿½Please come in.ï¿½ Leading the way to my living room, I will mumble ï¿½I canï¿½t still believe you are here with no notice. Itï¿½s a surprise.ï¿½
ï¿½Good or bad surprise?ï¿½
ï¿½I am not sure.ï¿½
ï¿½You look great.ï¿½
ï¿½You look tired.ï¿½
ï¿½I am tired.ï¿½

He will be casually dressed, jeans and polo. He will take a seat on the couch and face me. I will sit opposite to him.
ï¿½Can I make myself comfortable?ï¿½
ï¿½Please do.ï¿½
He will get up and take the seat next to me. I will watch him as he makes the shift, again trying to follow up on the physical changes. We will be facing each other now with very little air between us as compared to his initial position. He will hold my hand, gently kiss the back and ask me ï¿½How are you Sam?ï¿½
ï¿½Well.ï¿½ I will answer confused. He will seem very perturbed in his own mind and it will be visible in his expression. Looking at him with concern I will ask ï¿½Are you ok?ï¿½
He will let out a long sigh and say ï¿½Letï¿½s see. I will tell you what I am going through, what is on my mind and where I stand in life. If I am able to explain well, you can then decide if I am ok or not.ï¿½

Disturbed, confused and a little freaked out, I will blankly stare at him. Again, there will be a moment of silence during which we will look at each other into the eyes without hesitation. Our eyes will be talking in their own language. He will take a deep breath and intrude the silence. He will shift his focus on my hand and continue ï¿½I returned home from work early this afternoon only to find my wife in bed with another man who apparently happened to be the husband of our ï¿½hang-out-coupleï¿½ (he will finger quote the phrase) and a close friend. I donï¿½t know if his wife is aware of this arrangement of theirs but chances are she isnï¿½t. I stood there for a few minutes totally lost in space not knowing what I am expected to do. I walked out of my apartment, sat in my car and screamed as loudly as I could. I drove to the airport and took a flight to Newark, New Jersey. As soon as I landed, I called you and here I am. So, what do you suppose Sam, am I okay?ï¿½

As much as he will fight the urge to cry, tears will roll down his cheeks. He will not be able to look me in the eye even though he will try a few times. He will let go of my hand gently and fall back on the couch to be more comfortable. Staring at the ceiling he will sigh again, he will be lost in his thoughts for moments.

I will not know how to react or even say at that point. I will be sorry for him, really sorry for him but somewhere deep in my heart I will know he is hurt because he hurt me someday; he hurt the person that loved him most. I will be very tempted to hug him and tell him everything will be just fine. I will be there for him always and forever, no matter what, just like I used to. Instead, I will hold myself back.

He continued to stare into the air and then said ï¿½Please hug me Sam.ï¿½ Tears will flood my eyes. This time I will not be able to stop myself. I will put my arm around him and pull him towards me. Kissing him on his forehead, I will hug him tight. I will have hugged him after 3 years. I will realize how much I missed him over the lost period of time. An awkward gap will be fulfilled as soon as I hug him. A feeling of completeness will dawn upon me. He will cry like a baby on my bosom and I will protect him from any harm like I always did. He will be my baby once again.

ï¿½I am sorry Sam. I really am sorry for my actions. I shouldnï¿½t have hurt you. It was wrong on my part. I shouldnï¿½t have let you go. I shouldnï¿½t have been mad at you for so long. I shouldnï¿½t have acted out in rage. I have loved you every moment to this day. I thought getting married would help me forget you but I was wrong and I was living a pretentious life of being happily married. I didnï¿½t let my wife ever understand my love was all for you. I made up for every drawback towards her and even then she did this to me. She lied to me and cheated on me. No one has loved me like you have. It is true. Forgive me Sam.ï¿½

I will hold him hard, close to my heart and will listen to every word he will say. My response to it all will be silence. He will continue to rest his head on my bosom and keep his eyes closed. He will find peace. I will find peace. We will enjoy the peace together. We will communicate in silence, through our breathing and my heart beat. I will have mixed emotions. I am supposed to be happy but somewhere subconsciously I will be aggravated to a certain degree by his presence.

Another knock on my door will break the long silence. ï¿½Thatï¿½s the Chinese food I ordered in.ï¿½

I will set the food on the table and invite him to have dinner. In the midst of setting the table, he will have washed his face and freshen himself. He will force a smile on his face. Walking towards me and the dinner table he will say ï¿½Wow, dinner with Samï¿½ after a long timeï¿½ The latter part came after a pause and a blank stare. I will apologize for not being able to have a more decent menu. He will pull back the chair for me and wait till I am seated. He will sit in front of me.
ï¿½Why havenï¿½t you started your life and settled as yet?ï¿½
I will smile at him, playing with my fork and food and reply ï¿½Why do you think I havenï¿½t started my life or havenï¿½t settled?ï¿½
ï¿½You are the same Sam I left three years ago. Still answer a question with a question.ï¿½
ï¿½What is the degree of change that can occur in an individual in just three years?ï¿½
ï¿½Look at me! I have changed a lot in ï¿½justï¿½ three years.ï¿½ He will stress the word, just.
ï¿½Have you really changed or is it that you think you have changed? Moreover, the person that I knew a few years back didnï¿½t ever like the idea of changing himself and didnï¿½t ever believe he will ever change. Then how is it that he himself is admitting he has changed and that too in just three years?ï¿½

He will play with his fork fumbling the chicken in the General Tsoï¿½s Chicken dish, trying to soak it in the sweet and spicy sauce. ï¿½You still didnï¿½t answer my question!ï¿½
ï¿½Which one?ï¿½
ï¿½Why havenï¿½t you started your life? Why havenï¿½t you settled?ï¿½
ï¿½Define lifeï¿½
He will give me the cutï¿½theï¿½crapï¿½andï¿½answerï¿½ me look. ï¿½I think in my understanding, I am well into my life.ï¿½
ï¿½Why havenï¿½t you got married?ï¿½
ï¿½Ah! Marriage! I will perhaps, when the right time arrives. Do you think I am too old to get married? You got married at 32. I am still not 30.ï¿½
ï¿½When will you get married?ï¿½
ï¿½I havenï¿½t or donï¿½t quite plan on it formally. It will happen sometime in the future. Fate has it in store for me somewhere, I am sure of that.ï¿½
ï¿½Are you seeing anyone or involved romantically?ï¿½
ï¿½Is that absolutely important as of right now?ï¿½
ï¿½Somewhat!ï¿½
ï¿½How so?ï¿½

We will not look at each other during this conversation. We will both be tossing our chicken pieces in the sauce even though it will be overly saturated with all that the sauce has to provide relative to taste.
ï¿½If you donï¿½t have anyone in your life, I would like to make a proposition. It will be very selfish of me to even propose it but I believe I have learnt from my mistakes and am ready to be a better individual with you.ï¿½
ï¿½Proposition?ï¿½ I will look towards him. My hands will still be carelessly engrossed in its activity with the fork. I will have now included the broccoli in my game of wettingï¿½inï¿½theï¿½sauceï¿½upï¿½toï¿½saturationï¿½orï¿½more. He will be looking straight into my eyes. I will be a little uncomfortable but I will fight it and look right back into his, sometimes stealing a sight at his lips.
ï¿½I would like to marry youï¿½ï¿½ His voice will be firm. He will mean every word he will say. I will astonishingly stare at him in awe. My jaw will drop and will remain hanging for moments together. My head will be blank. I will continue staring at him when he will break the silence while my astonishment will still prevail. ï¿½Sorry. I am being awfully selfish. Tomake biyer kotha bola uchit hoini, again. I donï¿½t know what to do. My life has been such a mess. I tried so hard to shape it the way I wanted it to be but I failed to realize that the most important part of my life was missing. You were missing. I ran away from what my heart said and wished for. I have failed horribly in love and life. Now, today I realize what u meant when you said you hadnï¿½t cheated on me that night. It was only an innocent night out with your friends. It was an unavoidable situation you wanted to get over with. You were right about me being scared about everything. I was scared, very scared I would lose you to someone or something and that I would be hurt very badly. I feared your trip to India would be the end of us. I feared I would lose to your ambitions and career. I feared you would choose your career over me and I would be left alone. I feared your independent nature. I refused to believe marriage would be enough to keep you from leaving me and following your dreams and ambitions. Subconsciously, I wished for you to throw away your life and solely be dedicated to mine. I did what I did so that I didnï¿½t get injured. I didnï¿½t think of you even once. I used that night as a spark and kept fueling the fire as much as I could. I could have controlled it but I refused to in fear of pain. I was afraid of things I didnï¿½t know of and couldnï¿½t and still canï¿½t explain. I failed to realize the damage would be massively large on me and in the process I was hurting the person that loved me most. It was wrong for me to be hostile towards you for so long. I was wrong all along. I realize it now and I know it is too late too. And here I am today facing my worst fear because of me and you are not a part of my life.ï¿½

Tears will keep rolling down his cheeks and his eyes will be red. He will sniff from time to time to trying to control his outburst. His face will be expressionless however, very mundane and intact. I will continue to give him a blank stare in disbelief. Somewhere in my mind I will desire to forgive him and forget the past. I will desire to start over new. But more than half of me will retaliate because then he will have his way, again. He will win me over and get what he wants and most importantly he will only be demonstrating his selfishness and will achieve it. Even if I do forgive him and decide to marry him, he will be my first husband but I will be his second wife. He will have kept his dignity for so long. It will be time for me to keep mine. He will have only made it easier for me to let go of him after the gap he will have created between us. These thoughts will be rumbling in my mind. They will be as vigorous as pebbles when shaken in an earthen pot, the massive amount of noise only in my mind. I will not say a word of this to him. He will be hurt and I will not hurt him anymore.

He will wipe his face, stand up and walk towards me. He will kiss me on my forehead and hug me. He will walk towards the front door and say ï¿½I think I should leave now.ï¿½ He will say this with his back towards me. I will try and gather myself from the shock and say ï¿½Where are you going to stay tonight?ï¿½
ï¿½New Jersey has plenty of motels.ï¿½
ï¿½You shouldnï¿½t be alone, like this.ï¿½ I paused for a few moments. He will still have his back towards me. ï¿½Stay over. I have a guest room with a bathroom and a walk in closet.ï¿½ (He loves apartments with a bedroom, its bathroom and a walk in closet. Sometimes, I compared myself to his certain choice of apartments, but thatï¿½s another story). He will turn around and forcibly smile. I smile in return trying to make him comfortable. His eyes will fill with tears again. I will point out the guest room.

The continental ring tone disturbs my thoughts and brings me back to the present, reality. My phone was vibrating and ringing. The vibration against the wooden table made an absurd noise.

It has been three years since our break up. He has been married since the last two. I havenï¿½t spoken to him since. I didnï¿½t make an effort to investigate where he was or how he was doing. I have unknowingly avoided getting involved with any man romantically or the thought of sharing my life with someone or its importance. I still crave for this man that just left me in the middle of nowhere and took off of my life, our lives. I still crave for his touch, his skin against mine, his lips on mine, his warmth, his arms around me, and his manhood, his everything. Sometimes, I go back to my journals and read the pages I wrote when I was with him. I try to relive some moments just like they were back when we were in love. I try to refresh his memories. I try to remember him. We havenï¿½t spoken since my return from India neither has he made an effort. Instead, he got married and settled with a nice girl.

I still wonder at times how my life got so distorted and out of control. What really was the reason for our break up? Was I too harsh on him? I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wonder if he misses me the way I miss him, I wonder if every little thing reminds him of me, I wonder if he has replaced me with someone else, perhaps he has. Isnï¿½t that how life is?

The ringing continued. I dragged myself up from the comfortable position I was in to answer my phone. The caller id showed a number I didnï¿½t recognize. Texas perhaps, I thought. Answering the phone I said ï¿½This is Sam.ï¿½ There was silence on the other end. I spoke again ï¿½Hello?ï¿½

A faint voice came through, confused ï¿½Sam, itï¿½s me!ï¿½

____

New Jersey
June/2007